Hiding

I thought about deleting this blog a few minutes ago.

I almost did it, too, for all the usual reasons: I never update it. Nobody reads it, probably because I don’t share my posts on social media (which I update almost as rarely as I update this). The contents of my head – and, subsequently, the contents of my posts – veer toward topics that meander around, lost tourists in a huge city. A few minutes ago, when I contemplated a future with no blog, I reread a number of old posts and almost felt ashamed. Was this what I wanted to share with the world? Were these words really the parts of myself I wanted to share?

This thinking is not at all uncommon in our culture, which subconsciously trains us from a very young age to only show the parts of ourselves that are nice, neat, respectable, polished. Vulnerability is difficult; honesty, hard to come by.

And yet, rampant though this thinking might be, it is not where we must reside. Mark Doty writes one of my favorite quotes about this vulnerability:

Intimacy, says the phenomenologist Gaston Bachelard, is the highest value. I resist this statement at first. What about artistic achievement, or moral courage, or heroism, or altruistic acts, or work in the cause of social change? What about wealth or accomplishment? And yet something about it rings true, finally—that what we want is to be brought into relationship, to be inside, within. Perhaps it’s true that nothing matters more to us than that.

When I hesitate to share myself, I hide myself away and prevent others from seeing and knowing me. This usually goes both ways and results in me not seeing or knowing others as well. What happens when we allow ourselves to be shoved into a corner? Nothing good. I am constantly reminded in my marriage that a lack of communication and a lack of friendship destroys the good and fosters the bad.

Most wonderfully, I can move forward and be vulnerable because the God of the Universe has already seen and known me, and yet still loves me and died for me. What a freeing thought. He sees the contents of my brain and forgives when I am vulnerable, honest, and humble with Him. Shall I fear rejection when the greatest King has already welcomed me?

So, today I did not delete this blog. I chose to leave this spot and let my words remain (vapid though some of them may be). I can endeavor to write more , striving to let the glory of the Son shine through my words.

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